There's no time to be sickby 주아나

It has finally happened, the sick feeling to my stomach from the Sunday night.

Grasping tightly onto the toilet in predawn, checking that it’s the leftover food from yesterday with a greet and bursted out the rest with explosive diarrhea.

When I finally put my weak body that just poured all the energy out to the bed,

now the husband’s cold virus comes readily in my weak body.

Ah, this is all because of the tremendous amount of food that I ate in the wedding hall.

I think I lost my mind at the sight of the countless delicacies since I live going through hard times with two sick children.

I stuffed food into my throat  and to other two children with a strong and rushed heart,  thinking that this would be the only time when I can take in nutrients when I am not even a bear that will hibernate over winter. I thought I was going to suffer from a nervous breakdown trying to fight a war [with two children] on the table on my own. Ah, the nervous breakdown would have actually done something for me [prevented].  

I had no energy, no taste and my inner intestines were tangled. I couldn’t send the first born to kindergarten because I didn't even have strength to walk. Nevertheless, I made the rice from the dawn to feed them brand new rice and a bean paste stew with finely chopped tofu and potatoes as well. I made a delicious meal out of  two grilled fishes that my mom gave just in case the meal wasn’t tasty enough [for them.] After grilling them, I even removed the fish bones and put it on the new rice. I put thick clothes, socks and a scarf on the two boys who had just woken up and sat them on their seats for the meal. They were hardly eating them, so I tried this and that way to comfort them and barely fed them.  Then it was my turn.  I had rice porridge that I cooked in a hot pot. But when I stuffed into my mouth, I felt like I was chewing sand.

“Mom, play with me”
“I’ll play with you after I eat a little more.”

While the first son was nagging, hanging unto me, the second one was shaking while straining his eyes and holding the desk. A little later, he plopped himself onto the ground.
“Oh- No!”

My body almost flew from the table and I grabbed my son. Yes….. just as I thought, the smell of soybean paste stew came out from the diaper. As I was changing the diaper, the first born started to cut colored papers here and there and five minutes later “Ah, it’s not fun!” and went onto playing with cars. He then said “It’s no fun. I should make some houses.”  and pulled all the blankets out of the closet and folded them in circle. He even pulled all the pillows out to make doors and boats. On top of that, the second son went into the blanket house, making all of them crumble.

‘Ah. now is the right time.’ I said.

In this small gap of time, I cleaned all the food on the table and started washing dishes. “wouaaaa~”, upon hearing the baby’s cry, I hurried to the living room and the first son was sitting on the second son’s face. I wanted to yell  “Hey You!” but with the voice of an angel, I said “If an older brother does that, your little brother will hurt. So don’t do it” and could only just separate them. I still did not feel at ease so I put the second born beside me and he started to look through everything in the sink. He opened the drawer and rolled the aluminum foil out like the carpet, crumpled the aluminum foil with his hands and sucked the plastic gloves and throw them away, put the rubber gloves in the pot, threw cups around…….. I grabbed hold of his body barely with my soaped hands and put him in my room. But soon after, he opened the wet tissue box and started to pull them out. I then rolled him up like a roll with a blanket and finished the dishes hurriedly. When I looked at the living room.. I wondered, Is this my house? or a beggar’s place… oh no oh no… this little bastard, the first one...

I breathed deeply, trying to calm myself down and asked my first son if he wanted to play a cleaning game with me and picked up colored papers, and blankets. Meanwhile, the second son got all excited seeing the colored papers. When the second son bit the paper, I would say “spit”, another bite, another “spit”. Then the first son started laughing and mimicked the baby.

By the time  I took a small break, it was already lunch time. “How is it already lunch time when I didn’t do much?” I wondered and felt my aching body. Then I realized that I am really sick and was reminded of my body’s state. However, behind me, the two boys were fighting again.

“Of course. I need to go stop them. If I don’t, who can? If it is not me, then who will feed and clean them? Although I cannot play with them frugally, if it is not me, who can draw and sing them songs. I need to do it. If I lie down just because I am sick, who will look after them? Truly, there is no time to be sick even when I am sick. Ah… it’s possible for someone to be sick only when they have time.Then it is fortunate to be sick. wait no. Even though I may be sick, because I have no time to be sick, it gets healed. Then isn’t it better?” I thought this and that way and started to laugh.

If it was like before, I would have stayed under the blankets and ached.

Now that I am a mother, I don’t know where this kind of strength like tiger is coming from…

There were so many diseases that I forgot in the past even if it ached me so much.

I think this is what it means to be responsible of lives.

It seems like the dutiful heart makes me unable to be sick even when I am and lets me forget my sickness…